Why me?

Warning: Emo post. I need to write something. Pretty pointless. Lots of rambling. Will make no sense to anyone but me.

You have been warned.

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I've always liked to think that someone up there has my back. I'm lucky. Really. Like you wouldn't believe. Blessed, some might say. What do I say? Loved. Yeah, that's right. Loved. Loved by family, loved by friends. Does it mean that being on a constant high, the drops will be much harder? The disappointments will be much harder to take?

Am I too optimistic? I always thought I was pretty confident in myself. The whole sticks and stone may break my bones, but words will never hurt me philosophy kinda fit my character. I've pretty much ignored what people have had to say about me. I'd laugh it off. I'd shrug and say that they have no idea who I really was.

Do people really know me? Do I really know myself? Is my jolly disposition a farce? Am I so good that I've tricked myself? Have I lost what is essentially ME? Did something go wrong somewhere along the way? Did I get lost and never made my way out of the darkness?

Why do I suddenly have so many questions? Why am I so easily affected by one comment? Why won't the rain stop?

Family has been the main pillar of my strength. I always have somewhere to turn to. A reassuring smile, a hug. All those little things that make a person's life worth living. In the darkest jungle, where danger lurks at every step, they're like a giant flourescent marshmallow man. Kinda corny, but when you see it, you get that warm and fuzzy feeling all over.

I've kept to a small group of true friends. Friends I can say anything to. We may fight, we may argue. Give us a 5 minute time out and we'll be laughing our asses off at each other after that. I rebound pretty fast, don't you think?

Then why have I never rebounded from this? Why is this wound so easily opened up? Was it ever closed? Or have I chosen to ignore it?

I really thought I was over it. Case closed, locked in a chest, tied to a boulder and dropped into the deepest ocean. Then why does it resurface like a bouy every time the subject is broached?

I know it. I understand. I really do. The remarks were not meant to hurt me. Usually, I'd just laugh it off, as I always do. But why does it hurt me so? Why do all the memories keep flooding back? Memories I have no intention of revisiting? Some of the darkest moment of my short life.

A part of me that no one knows. No one has any idea exists in me. Save for a few who I have recently shared with. I thought I was past it, that I could finally look back and talk about it with a smile and a shake of the head. How silly I was back then.

I thought wrong. The wounds are still there. The hurt is masked, but still very much alive.

Time. I'll give it more time. It's been forever since it happened. I can wait some more. I just need to give it time. Yeah, that's what it needs. Time. Time to heal. No wound stays open forever. It may be longer than I initially thought. But I'll get over it. I'll be able to smile at it. Some time. Not now. Some time in the future. I'm sure I'll be able to.

Because someone up there has got my back. And most importantly, because I'm loved.